


What they say about wives

by WingcommanderArthurShappey



Category: Reluctant Persuaders (BBC Radio)
Genre: I've drowned myself in feels and ninety nine percent sugar, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-28
Updated: 2015-10-28
Packaged: 2018-04-28 15:26:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5095727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WingcommanderArthurShappey/pseuds/WingcommanderArthurShappey





	What they say about wives

**Author's Note:**

  * For [YellowBananaOwl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/YellowBananaOwl/gifts).



Joe opens the door saying ' _ **Toilet** and office' _(the latter's in handwriting. It's also got two little figures on it, a man and a woman. Both of them are holding briefcases, which is an attribution to the general work environment Ted is rather proud of). 

"I'm  _bloody_ fed up with this," Joe mutters under his breath. Ted, following him along and trying not to step on any of the mousetraps they've had to put up, assumes he knows what  _this_ is.  _This_ is guys making fun of other guys sleeping with Joe's wife. Ex wife. That's another  _this. This_ is people pointing out that Joe's wife is now his ex wife. 

There's nothing that can't be solved with Cheerios.

Ted puts down a bowl of them on Joe's half of the desk and decides not to say anything about milk. It's a bit of a touchy subject. He gently pulls a can of it from the mini fridge.

"Sorry, Joe,“ he says and sits back and thinks as Joe mumbles something about It Not Being His Fault.

The minutes tick by.

Ted is unusually quiet.

There's a man wanting to advertise pencil sharpeners specifically targeted towards corporate lawyers. Joe makes a joke about „sharpening your (c)laws“. He says it works on several different layers. The man likes it. Then they find out he's about to go bankrupt because he's involved in a lawsuit regarding his corporation. They also find out the pencil sharpeners don't actually sharpen _anything,_ and that they're prone to breaking and cutting people's fingers. It's his way of Getting Back At The System, he says. Joe makes a noise like he's gurgling tomato soup. The man leaves. Ted's still quiet. He's _thinking._

"You know," he says cautiously after a while, "I don't think there ever _were_ any mice in here. I think when the new cleaning lady said she discovered a bunch of horrible creatures in the toilet she probably meant -"

"Us," Joe cuts in bleakly. Teddy gapes a little.

" _What?!_ I thought she was talking about toilet snakes!"

Joe's shoulders sag until he looks like a Joe-sized, slumped-forward pillow.

"Toilet snakes don't _really_ exist, Ted," he says and adds, "at least not in _London."_

"Oh." Ted reaches for the coco pops. "Well, if they did, I don't think the mouse traps would have been any help. They're not _snake_ traps. I don't think they'd have had any effect on them."

"No," Joe concedes.

"They also don't have any effect on _us._ Except for yesterday when you caught your foot in the one by the door. I think the cleaning lady would be glad to know we're doing our best to fight the bunch of horrible creatures."

Joe sags some more.

_ "We're  _ the horrible creatures, Ted. And the cleaning lady got caught  _ as well." _

"Oh." There's a moment of silence interrupted only by the crunch of Coco Pops. "So you're saying it's better if we put them back in the drawer."

"Yes. And put a sign on the drawer warning people not to open it."

"Right."

Ted puts away the bowl and gets down to the job. He's still thinking. There must be something that can be done about - 

"Ow! It's got my finger!"

 

~

 

Joe's almost never angry. Today he's looking  _ really  _ angry, though, and not just because the toilet's clogged,  _ again.  _ Ted watches him carefully.

"You know," he says with a voice like someone trying to talk a piranha into smiling, "you can always  _ pretend  _ you have a wife."

"Ted, you know I'm about as good at lying as  _ you  _ are."

"Right." There's a pause. "But when Amanda started working here and you told her you liked her haircut -"

"There's a difference between making a  _ compliment  _ and faking your marital status! Besides, everyone  _ knows  _ I don't have a wife."

"Well." Joe's got a point. But Ted's got two. "You know what they say," he adds a bit hesitantly. Joe looks at him like he's expecting there to be more.

"What do they _say,_ Ted?"

"I don't know. I just wanted to console you. But there must be _something_ people say about wives. You know, like 'no wife is better than one wife'? Or something?"  
  
"Ted, as a no-longer-married man I can assure you that _one_ wife is _a lot_ better than no wife!"

"What _do_ they say about wives, then?"

Joe chooses this moment to let out a huff that almost sounds like a shout. Ted shrinks back a little.  
  
"They say, 'Oh, Joe, terribly sorry to hear about your wife, Joe! I'm sure you don't mind that I've slept with her again, eh, Joe! You mind giving me her number, Joe? You know what they say about wives, Joe! Don't worry, she slept with about _everyone,_ Joe! Don't take it personally, Joe! And when did you become a _milk man?!"_

In the silence that follows, this time not interrupted by Coco Pops at all, Ted feels like he hasn't been particularly helpful.

"If it's any consolation, I don't think you look like a milk man at all, Joe. It's probably the bit where you never sleep, so people think 'oh, this guy must be the milk man, he looks like he's been up all night delivering milk'. You know, now that I'm thinking about it... you actually _do_ look like a milk man. A _bit_ ," he adds quickly when he sees Joe's face. That didn't seem to have helped, either. "Okay, so people know you don't have a wife." By now, the word _wife_ feels like a bomb on his tongue. He goes on before Joe can interrupt. "But you could get engaged! That way, when people talk about your wife, you can go 'yeah, well, but did I tell you about my _fiancée?'."_

"That's a wonderful plan, Ted," Joe says in a voice that sounds like _that's an awful plan, Ted, "_ right up to the part where I'd have to _get engaged!_ Who on earth would want to get engaged to someone who looks like a milk man?"

Ted thinks that maybe milk women would. But he doesn't say it. Now's the time. He takes a deep breath, and tries to ignore the annoying thing his heart is doing in his chest.

"Well, _fiancé_ sounds exactly like _fiancée."_

Joe stares at him.

"What?" he says.

"You know," Ted continues, " _fiancé,_ as in, _fiancé_ with only one _ay_ instead of two sounds exactly like _fiancée_ with two _ays!"_

Joe blinks.

"Fiance-ay-ay?" he asks in a mildly confused way. Ted pulls out his phone to see how you spell _fiancé._

"Oh, turns out you spell it with an _e_ at the end. An e with a squiggly bit on top. So, if you ask me, I think _fiancé_ with only one _e_ sounds exactly the same as _fiancée_ with two _es!_ "

Joe blinks again.

"You are suggesting..."

Ted steps in before Joe can ask questions. He explains.

In Ted's opinion, it sounds like a wonderful plan. But Joe just stares at him, and he sort of looks... hollow.

"That's an awful plan, Ted," he says in a voice that _definitely_ sounds like _that's an awful plan, Ted._ And it's usually not like Joe to call things Ted Thought Of 'awful'. Joe swallows and gets up and leaves the room. If Ted is not entirely mistaken, there are tears in his eyes.

 

The day after, Ted asks again. _Properly,_ this time.

Joe says no.

 

~

 

Three years later, they're cuddled up on the shabby little sofa in their flat, and Joe is feeding him Cheerios, bit by bit. There's nothing that can't be solved with Cheerios.

"You're suggesting," he says slowly, "I change my name to _Joseph Beech?"_

Ted nods cheerily around a mouthful of cereal. Only a couple more weeks of being Joe's _fiancé_ with one _é_.

"Hang on," Joe says. He pulls out his phone and googles _Joe Beech._ Nothing horrible shows up.

He leans in and they kiss, and it tastes of milk and ninety-nine percent sugar, and Joe.

"It's better than _Joseph Starling,"_ Joe says.

 

 

Ted still doesn't know what they say about wives.

But he knows what they say about fiancés. They say if you've been engaged for three years, you might as well get married.

At least, Ted says that.

And that's gotta count for something.

 


End file.
